Need. To. Vent. (Long boring venting session SORRY)

Well like I said i really need to vent! But before I start whining and complaining I must first start off by saying that I am aware that I do have many blessings in my life that I should be counting instead of complaining........ but i'm human people and every once in a while a girl has got to vent right??? hahaha

Tom and I are stuck in a very very tight money situation right now that I don't see any true end in sight really!! It definitely did not help that since I work at an elementary school I had about a month off from working. .... We thought we would survive it just fine! But NO!!!!!!! I am SO sick of money issues!!! The thing that really is hard on me right now is because I am pregnant! It is hard to make the decision between food and gas when I know I need to keep feeding this baby and I need to be taking my pre natals etc. But whats more important? Food and pills? Or gas so TOm and I can work to hopefully turn our situation around, and paying our bills?? If it were just for my benefit it would be easy but I am effecting another little innocent persons life right now to and I cant be a good mommy to this little peanut right now! I am starting to feel like a bad mommy already because I cannot provide for my baby the way I would like to! And even if and when we do get caught up a little again is it really enough?? no it's not at all!! i want TOm to go back to school and get a career not a job anymore. But its hard to go back to school when you still owe for past semesters that you cant pay for right??? So really I just feel like we are trapped in this neverending cycle and it is very frustrating! And I am now freaking out because we now know for sure that we cannot under any circumstances afford me taking lots of time off to have this baby!!! SO now we are looking for a second job for Tom, or I will have to go back after just a few short weeks of having my precious baby! I know everybody has money problems and many are much worse off than we are. So sorry for the complaining. I am just completely freaking out!!! And just feel like we are losing, and really just feel like a bad mother!! (and my child isnt even here yet!!!)

One thing that is helping me right now though is the lesson we had in Sunday school today about the story of Job and how we all have problems but we just need to turn ourselves to God and all will be ok. I am trying to internalize that and do that, but it's hard!!! What does one do when your pay check is barely enough to cover rent but absolutely nothing else for teh next two weeks? do you pay your tithing on that?? I know the right answer is yes, but I don't know how to be quite that faithful I don't think. It is really hard!!! i dont like feeling stuck. I kinda feel like we are damned if we do and damned if we dont.

Anyway sorry again for the venting session!!! Once again I am aware that there are so many more people out there that are so much worse off than we are and really I have no reason to complain ever! This is just a good place for me to get these thoughts and feelings out sometimes. Sorry to always get so personal with my posts! haha! I'm not a very good blogger! :) Also I am absolutely not looking for sympathy or anything along those lines ever!!! Tom and I love eachother and we will always find a way to get through our trials together!this is just a good place for me to get my thoughts and feelings out so I can understand how I am feeling really. I make more sense to myself after it is typed out. Sorry to subject you all to the inner workings of my brain as well! haha

I know things will get better someday, that day is just not coming as quickly as I would like. but it is not going to happen on my timeline ever. I just wish i didnt have to constantly be stressed to the max over money!! As I am sure many of you feel the very same way at times!!! DOWN WITH MONEY!!!!!!!! hahaha

11 week ultrasound :-)

We went in for our first Drs. Appt. yesterday and it was great!! My doctor is super nice and I liked her a lot! But even more important, we got an ultrasound of our little peanut!!!!!! We had an ultrasound done at 6 weeks which was cool because we could see the heartbeat! but it didn't look anything like a baby at all! So to see the baby just 5 weeks later and see all the parts of our baby it was amazing!!! Right as our dr. started the ultrasound we saw the baby waving to us. It looked like the baby was saying, "Hi Mom and Dad! I'm ok so stop worrying!" I instantly felt better! I was terrified of going in for this appt! I was so worried that something was wrong but just with that little wave I knew everything was fine and I couldn't be happier!!!

10 Weeks! And so blessed to have Tom! :-)

I have made it to 10 weeks! A quarter of the way through! I feel so so blessed to have this little miracle living inside of me! Even though I am almost constantly sick, and constantly searching for the one food I can eat that day that will be ok on my tummy, and even though I am always in search of the nearest restroom, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life! I cannot say it enough, I feel so so so blessed to have this happen to Tom and I!

Tom has been so incredible throughout this whole experience so far! I don't think he has any clue how much I appreciate him, and how amazing he is as a husband! He has done everythinng in has power to help me be comfortable, and feel the very best I possibly can each and every day. He has learned how to cook a lot more since my stomache wont let me right now. He never complains, he is always looking out for me and the baby, and understands thst I cant do everything I used to be able to do,a nd he is okay with that. He is learning all he can now about pregnancy and babies, you can tell he is trying to be the best daddy he can be. And I know he will be absolutely amazing!!! Just seeing him with his neices and nephews you can tell he will be an amazing daddy! I love watching him hold and take care of his little baby nephew and seeing how much love he has for those little ones. He will be an incredible father, I have no doubt in my mind. And I cannot wait to watch him turn into a father!! He is amazing, and I am so so grateful everyday to have him in my life.

I am so excited that everything in the pregnancy has been going so well so far. And I am hoping that the next 30 weeks go just as well. I have my first official Drs. Appointment next Friday and i am so excited to hear the heartbeat again, and so excited to hear how everything is going!!!! I am so blessed thst I got a "Cheater" Ultrasound at 6 weeks. It has made me feel so much better to know that the baby is healthy so much sooner than most people get to find out. It has made everything so much easier. Bring on the sickness and the fatigue and everything else. it doesn't matter!!!!! I have a loving husband, and a healthy baby growing inside of me. Life is good!!!!!! :-)