The waiting game

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like all I ever do lately is wait. I'm always in a 'hurry up and wait' kind of situation. And it is getting very old!!!!! I know I just need to be patients and stay close to my Heavenly Father and everything will happen when it is supposed to. But that really is easier said than done. I have never been patient with anything!!!!!! So when it comes to something very important and so life changing I really am losing all patience really fast!!!!! I want it to be our turn now! I am have been very supportive of others and helped them when it was their turn. And I think it should be my turn!!!!! No more waiting, no more having no control over what happens, I just want life to start giving me what I want a little bit. i feel like I am always giving, and taking care of others, and doing everything I can to please others and make others lives happier and better. And I am happy to do it I really am. But I want to be selfish right now and have what I want!!! It hurts deep being around those that have what I want right now. I can'[t handle being around pregnant women anymore. It hurts to much! I can't hear about anymore stories of parents neglecting their children when all I want is a baby! I can't handle going to work everyday and having to keep track of the wellbeing of all my cute students and calling DCFS on their parents on a regular basis. I cant stand seeing those kids be taken away from thier undeserving parents!!! Why can these awful people have so easily what I am working so so so hard to have??? It isn't fair!!!!! What is so wrong with me that I don't get this blessing yet??

Anyway, sorry it has just been a very trying past few weeks!!! And I don;t want to wait anymore!!!! I am READY!!!!! And I shouldnt be being so selfish and wanting this so bad when I have so many friends who are dealing with such harder situations right now. My heart goes out to them just so hard! I cannot imagine what they are going through. I think it is all of our turns. We deserve this!!!!!!!

PETER PAN!!!!!

Tom and I are both in West Valley's production of Peter Pan playing this month!!! We are pirates! It has been so so so much fun to do a show with Tom! We are both just having a blast! Peter Pan is playing June 23rd-29th (no sunday performance) at 8:00 pm at the Utah Cultural Celebration Center (3100 S. and just East of Redwood Road) Tickets are $5.00 a person or $20.00 for a family. Groups of 10 or more can get in for $4.00 a person. Tom and I both have tickets now, or youc an buy them at the door. There are seats and also there is lawn seating. Hope to see you there! It is sure to be a very very fun show! our Hook and Smee are AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A small victory

Well I survived my Clomid week from you know where. . . . BARELY!!!!! It was quite a bit more miserable than I was expecting it to be. I was sure I could control my emotions. NOPE!! Sure couldn't!!! And besides that I ws in lots of pain and was very sick and dizzy. It was a very good thing I didnt have to work for most of the five days though. What a blessing. Not only for me but for everybody else around me... except for Tom. He had to put up with me the whole time

But anyway I survived!!! :-) HOORAY!!! SO this week I have been taking ovulation tests again. not expecting any good results.. But I got a positive test today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO SO SO SO SO excited!!! Clomid really does work for me! Great news! So maybe this month it will be our turn. We will see what happens I guess. At first I was jusst so overly excited, but then I started thinking about it lots and started to feel the realness of the situation, and felt that it really is coming soon. (Hopefully) SO now the anxiety and worry and doubt has started to come in. If we do get pregnant will I be able to carry it full term? Will we have a healthy child? Will I be a good Mommy?? I don't know what will happen, or if really anything will happen at all. SO for now I am just trying to not get my hopes up and just be happy that the clomid got my body working properly. That is my small victory that I am very very excited about. And again very nervous and filled with doubt about my abilities. I guess we will just see what happens and pray for the best. :)

Fertility Update

Well it sounds like this blog will be mainly dedicated to our fertility struggles until we move on from them. Cuz let's face it, this is about all that's going on with us right now. It has a way of taking over your entire life, there is not much else to think about or worry about while it is going on. So here are our updates. (sorry or the details :-) ) Since our last post I have been hard at work trying to get my stupid body to cooperate with me. Who ever thought that I would be desperate to have a period??? I never thought the day would come, but it came! I have been on awful drugs to try to get me to bleed so I can then take clomid and hopefully get pregnant. Well these pills made my life absolutely miserable for a couple weeks, with no results that I was looking for. But finally we had some success. Our first success sine the start of this all really. I hate that a success for us is hooray I am bleeding, and have cramps! ...... but thats where we are in our lives I guess. OH BOY! SO now I am starting to finally get pretty excited! I get to start taking my clomid on wednesday and hope that it works for us!!!! I am so so excited, and yet definitely trying to get myself prepared for disappointment as well. Even though I think I am ready for another negative pregnancy test, you just never are. Each one hurts more and more. So for now I will just try to stay positive and hope it works the first time!!!!!!! What I am definitely not looking forward to though is taking the stupid drug. From what I have heard Clomid really messes with you emotionally, physically, etc. I may turn crazy while taking them. I am a bit nervous for that but if it works then it is totally worth it. I havent exactly been very fun to be around lately anyway so why not be able to blame it on a pill right??? lol. Like what my doctor said when he perscribed it...... We only put you on it for 5 days a month for 3 months max so you and your spouse remember why you want to have a child together still. :-) Its going to be rough but I am ready for it, and have already apologized to family and friends in advance for what I may become.

I went out to lunch with an amazing friend this past week who is also going through fertility treatments. Her case is much more severe than mine but we definitely are feeling the same way about things. And she said something to the effect of .... I hate that our first child is basically a science experiment.. . . . Take this drug. Have sex on this day. Have blood drawn this day. Do this like this and that like that. . . . And it is so true. I wish so hard that Tom and I could just get pregnant like we should be able to. THere are far to many drugs, and tests involved that make it so emotionally and physically draining on you and your spouse. I no longer feel like myself! I am whoever all these drugs want me to be. And it is very hard on me. SO I am definitely hoping that we are nearing the end of this so I can be me again!!! I like me!!! I want me back!!!

So anyway, I will keep the next few days updated on here. We will see what happens. I am so excited that we are finally doing something, moving forward, instead of just waiting to act. Maybe this month will be the one for us!!!!! I am so so so so so ready to be a mommy!!! :-)

The Fertility Battle (Month 4) and what I have learned

Tom and I have been seeking infertility specialists help for the past four months or so. It has definitely been a very trying experience for us! I never in a million years thought I would be in a situation like this. but life is full of surprises!!

At first we were absolutely devastated by our situation! I have felt like a broken woman, that is worth nothing. I have felt like a disappointment to Tom, and just a complete failure in general. There were lots of tears, and lots of 'why me's.' We are still right in the middle of it all, and it is still hard. But I have learned a lot from this experience so far, and I wanted to share those things with you today.

~I have learned how unconditional Tom's love for me really is. Like I said I have felt broken, but Tom has stood by my side and told me over and over again that no matter what happens he will love me forever. It is amazing to me how much that incredible man loves ME. Me of all people. i think that through this experience Tom and I have grown closer to eachother in ways I don't think would have happened otherwise. SO for that I am grateful!
~I have learned to just get down on my knee's and pray when I dont think I have the strength to go on. Even if i think nobody underdtands what i am going through there is always at least one person that completely understands,and is rooting for me every step of the way. I am grateful that I have been able to take this challenge and allow myself to grow closer to my Father in Heaven because of it. Instead of turning my back on Him because of my situation.
~I have learned that if you look hard enough you can find many people that are close to you that are going through the same things as you, and it is so important to cling to those people for strength and just for a listening ear. I am so grsteful for the people around me that have shared their privste stories with me, and who have listened to me. I feel for you all. i wish that you weren't going through this obviously. But at least we can draw strength from one another. I am so grsteful for those people who will just listen. it is amazing how much a listening ear can help heal a broken heart! I am also grateful that I now can have empathy for people who need my strength when they cant be strong. and vics versa.
~Also I have learned that I am very grateful for Health insurance. Most insurance companies wont pay a penny toward infertility treatment! And I think that is absolutely ridiculous!!!! think about it..... if you are a greedy insurance company, wouldnt you want more humans on the earth so you can make more money on each family??? Come on insurance companies! You will make more money in the long run on my family if it is a family of 6 than the family of 2 it is now! Tom and i luckily have one of the only companies that does help cover fertility stuff. But what about all thsoe other couples out there who can't afford it??? It breaks my heart to know that there are so many people out there that could get pregnant with the help of a doctor but cant afford it because insurance companies are stupid!!! (sorry for my rant)

Well anyway tom and I have had just about every test we could have done, and hopefully have a plan in place now that will work for us in a few short months. I just wanted to write this to reflect on all the good that has come out of this experience for me. dont; get me wrong I wish i could get pregnant easily like most of you out there, but if i cant then I am glad I can still benefit from it in some way.

Giving in to 'the blog'

Ok, i give in! Everybody is blogging, and I finally feel left out. I don't have very interesting or insightful things to say, but I guess nobody has to read it :-) In this blog I hope to keep people updated on Tom and I. (We have very exciting lives so this is sure to be very entertaining!!! NOT hahha) So really this post is just to say, here I am world. I have finally given in. you win!