Logan's room

I have been on Christmas Break the past 2 weeks and it has been SO nice to be at home!!! I have done a lot of relaxing and hanging with the hubby. But I also have been working on Logan's room!!! So far it has been completely cleaned out. Before a couple days ago it was our junk/storage room. Well I will let the pictures tell the story..... p.s. Blogger HATES me and never does my pictures correctly and if I keep fighting with it I will end up throwing the laptop across the room so the pictures are in opposite order and the captions are on weird to. SORRY!! I don't have the patients to keep on trying to fix it!

Here is what the room looks like now! Thats all his stuff!!!

Here is what the room looked like before. It was a nightmare!!!!!!


Now all there is left to do is...
-Shampoo the Carpet, wich will happen tomorrow morning
-Get all the baby furniture from my grandmas house which includes a bassinet, a changing table/dresser, a book shelf, and a rocking chair. All those will get here on saturday with my dad's help.
-Set up the crib, also happening on Saturday!
-Then hold off on buying anything til after my showers. Which will be hard. I want to get everything ready right now! But I will try to wait patiently :-)

Things are starting to come together!!! My goal was to get the room reasdy during my Christmas break and it actually is happening! Oh happy day!!!!!

Things are beginning to change

Logan is arriving much faster than I was realizing, and it is leaving me in a very melancholy sort of mood. Now of course having Logan finally here will be the greatest thing to ever happen to me! I will finally be a mommy! And I will watch Tom turn into an amazing daddy. I cannot wait for that day to arrive! Only 8 1/2 weeks to go-ish!!!!!!! I have always wanted to be a mom and I cannot wait!!!

Now on the other hand I am starting to completely panic and stress out and see how everything in my life is about to change. Now don't get me wrong, I am so excited for all of this like I said before, BUT I am not one to deal with change very well and tonight I have realized how much and how fast everything is changing! (Now if that wasn't a run on sentence I don't know what is!)

Here are a couple of the biggest changes that are coming my way that I do not feel at all prepare3d to deal with.......

-Since I will be going on maternity leave sometime in February Tom needed to get a second job so we could survive. Well we were very blessed to have a jobh just fall into Tom's lap. I got him a job with the Salt lake School District to be a group leader at Wasatch Elementary. We were so excited! he got the job before he even went in for the interview. So that all sounds great right?? Well it is! BUT I am having a hard time with it because Tom is starting this second job on MONDAY. I cannot even believe it!!!!!!! He got the job a few weeks ago and it seemed like it wouldn't happen for a long time! But nope, it starts on Monday. So starting Monday since he couldn't get Discover Card to switch him to a morning shift his schedule will be as follows...

6:00am-12:30pm Discover Card

2:00pm-6:00pm Wasatch Elementary

6:30pm-8:00pm Discover Card

Come home, eat dinner, go to bed, then get up and do it all over again. And work Every Saturday.

I have been so spoiled since Tom and I got married that our work schedules have worked out so great and I see him lots! Hm being at work ALL day long and me being very pregnant and hormonal, and then having a newborn and still hormonal it is going to be a very long 6 months. I am already missing him and it hasn't even started yet! I am going to be a mess!!!

Along with hi scrazy work schedule and me missing him like crazy I also feel very guilty over the whole thing to! I am so happy that I get to take a full 3 months off with baby Logan, but I am having a way hard time knowing that tom is going to be working crazy long days so that I can do it! I have not gone without a job since I was 15 years old. So not working for 3 months AND making Tom work 2 jobs just isn't working well with my brain or emotions!!!

-Tom and I only have a few more weeks to just be us. Only a few more weeks to be able to leave the house and do whatever we want whenever we want. To be able to stay out late and play with friends, and go on spur of the moment vscations. When I really think about it I am having a very hard time with this. Yes I am probably the most selfish person in the world!! Now once again I know it will all be worth it but now before it has happened I am almost in mourning of our childless life being left behind.

Now more on a I am so excited that baby is almost here that I can hardly even stand it note...... Here is a change I am excited about... The nursery is finally coming together!!!!! I worked hard all day yesterday to clean out the babies room! (It was our junk room up until yesterday.) Then tomorrow my dad will be bringing over the carpet shampooer so i can shampoo the carpet in Logans room. Then saturday is the day we will go pick up all the baby furniture fron my grandma's house and we will put together the crib! I am SO SO SO excited!!!! Things are finally coming together! I have all the baby furniture I will need, and all I had to buy was the crib! We have a bassinet that has been used on my Aunt, mom, all 6 of us grandkids and now Logan. It's gorgeous!! We have a changing table/dresser, a bookshelf, and a toychest that my dad made for my sister Lauren that I get to repaint however I would like. And a rocking chair. I am so excited, and feel so so blessed to have so much for our precious little boy already!!!

I truly am blessed to be married to such an amazing man and to have such an awesome family! (Toms and mine.) I love knowing that I am always surrounded by people who are willing to help. Since I am in a total panic that Logan is going to get here and I will have NO clue what I am doing!! I am so so so excited for the changes about to come our way! Some make me a bit sad, and put me in complete panic mode whenever I think about them, but it is all going to be so worth it when I see this precious little mans face that I'm already so entirely in love with!!! :-)

Slight name change

Ok. So Logan is still going to be Logan, we are just changing his middle name. He will be known to the world as Logan John Fisher, after my dad. My dad does not know this yet however so it will be a nice surprise the first time I hand his first grandson over to him and introduce him as Logan John. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

As a side note though, Tom and I have learned our lesson to NEVER AGAIN tell people our childs name before he or she is born!!! I am done with all the opinions and comments. From here on out you can meet them and learn their name when they are born. I mean what are you going to do? Tell me you hate my childs name when you are holding them and looking at their adorable face? NO! You will love them. HAHA :-)

Our Thanksgiving!

I LOVE THANKSGIVING!!!
It has always always always been one of my favorite holidays! And this Thanksgiving definitely lived up to all the rest!!! Here was our day...

It all started with a Fisher family tradition of going to a movie all together. We saw Tangled! So So cute!!! It was fun going with the whole fam and seeing how much all the adorable neices and nephews loved it. I'm not sure who was acting like the bigger kid during the movie, Tom and I or all the little ones. Tom and I are absolutely obsessed with Disney movies and this one did not disappoint!!! I think Logan even enjoyed the movie. He sure was moving a lot the ENTIRE movie!! He likes a good disney movie just like his parentals. :-)

After the movie I took care of my Thanksgiving dinner contribution and made a craisin salad. MMM MMM MMM!!!! (I am only trusted with cold dishes at this point. I have however graduated from veggie trays to salad. Christmas I get Cheeseball duty. I haven't decided if that is a promotion or demotion.) When I was about done with the salad I got super duper tired so I layed down and cute Tom (without me knowing it) finished the salad!! What a keeper!!!!! LOVE THAT MAN OF MINE!!!!!

Then it was off to my Aunt's house for Thanksgiving dinner! MMMMMMM!!!!!!! For Thanksgiving this year there were only 10 of us. My cousin is on his mission in Germany, and my sister and brother in law live in Arizona. So it was just a small group and it was awesome!!!!! My dad smoked the turkey which if you have never tried you are missing out on life!!! Dinner was amazing!!! And I must say I was SUPER excited to have Thanksgiving dinner while being 6 months pregnant! The stretchy waist band was an amazing edition to my evening!!! hahaha! And i'm pretty sure that I ate more than I ever had before and I didn't feel bad about it! ya pregnant thanksgiving is good thanksgiving!!! haha :-) It was so crazy to think that next Thanksgiving I will have a 9 month old!!!! How fun, I'm so excited!! After dinner we played games, and talked and of course had pie!!!! My uncle always makes PECAN PIE especially for me!!!! I am pretty much obsessed with it!!!!! I don't even have to ask anymore it just is there for me every year. SO SO SO YUMMY!! Then of course all the grandkids had to gather around grandma while she read us "Thanksgiving at the Tappletons." It's a great book and iti just isn't Thanksgiving without it! Then after Grandma read to us she handed out the chocolate advent calendars to all the grandkids. I LOVE MY YEARLY CHOCOLATE ADVENT CALENDAR!!!!!!! I was sady informed by grandma though that this would be my very last year to receive a calendar. That next year Logan will get one and not me. I for sure will be cherishing my last calendar this month of December. This is the end of an era!!!! Sniff Sniff ;-( But lets be honest grandma can give whatever she wants to Logan that doesnt mean he gets it! haha!!!!

So Thanksgiving was awesome this year as always! I love the Holidays!!!!!!! :-)

My little mover

Holy cow! Logan has been moving like CRAZY lately!!! I cannot believe how strong he already is! I started feeling this little man way early, I believe it was around 10 weeks or so when I first really felt him. Which is cray early! Especially since all doctors and ultrasound techs have said that I shouldnt even be feeling him now because my placenta is forward facing. Well I have news for you doc!!! I feel him ALL THE TIME!!!! Which leaves me to think about how much I would be feeling him if my placenta wasn't in the way! Maybe it's good I have a little bit more cushion between us because he is SO super strong! I finally felt him for myself from the outside for the first time a few nights ago, and it was such a special experience! I felt his sweet little foot right in the palm of my hand! It was amazing! And I will treasure that moment between me and my son forever!

This has been such an exciting time for Tom and I. Tom now can feel his son kicking, which puts a big smile on his face!! I love watching Tom when we are talking about Logan, or he is feeling him kick, or we are seeing him on an ultrasound, or listening to his heartbeat. Tom is just so excited to be a daddy and I am SO excited to watch him turn into a daddy!

This child is definitely a mover, and I am loving every moment of it!!! I am falling more and more in love with my little man every day! :)

No longer in YW's

Since pretty much the moment I got married and moved into our ward I have been in the YW program as the 2nd counselor. I totally fell in love with the girls! And really really enjoyed NOT having to go to Relief Society. (Opening exercises was more than enough for me!) Being in YW's gave me a purpose, and I feel like I grew a lot spiritually by being with them. This Sunday I was released from my calling. Which is actually hurting me a lot more than I thought it would! There were some odd circumstances surrounding why they released all of us so abruptly. Lots of drama that should NEVER go on in a ward, or really anywhere else in the world for that matter! It makes me sad to see how people treat others, and judge others. Did nobody listen to the amazing talk given by Pres. Monson this past Womens conference???

So back to Relief Society I go. Well I shouldn't say back I should say now I have to go to Relief Society. I basically have never had to go. So this will be new to me! I just really do not feel like I fit in with Relief Society women. I have never felt comfortable there!!!! Never Ever!!! Not that anyone has ever been mean to me or that I do not like the women, I just feel to young and awkward to be there. I still feel like I myself belong in YW's, I don't believe I am Relief Society material. We shall see how this turns out. I am VERY torn up about being released, and when they decide to put in a new presidency I would definitely like to be put back in. It's the only place in a ward I feel comfortable. But til then it's off to Relief Society I go!....... Oh Boy!

My SON the Hedgehog

Yup! He is ALL Boy!

Yes you read right. 'My SON!' We found out yesterday that we are having a little boy!!!!! Both Tom and I are so so excited! We couldn't be happier with the news! To see the look on Tom's face when he found out he was having a boy was absolutely priceless and I wouldn't trade that moment for anything in the whole world! Since the ultrasound Tom has had an extra little twinkle in his eye. He is so so excited! :-)

Now as for my hedgehog son...... As soon as we started the ultrasound we realized that he was NOT going to make this easy on us! He was rolled up into a ball! His ankles were crossed and his feet were resting on his head! There's not exactly a lot to see in this situation besides a ball of baby! And all our ultrasound tech could say is how impressed she was with his acrobatic abilities. Well I wasn't quite as impressed!! I wanted to know what we were having!!! So we poked and shook him trying to unroll the ball, but he was not giving in. (He is definitely my child! It was 9:00 in the morning, i don't move when I'm comfy at 9:00 in the morning either! It doesn't matter how hard somebody tries to wake me!) Luckily with all the shaking of my belly that was now really tender from such a long ultrasound the ball of hedgehog baby rotated just enough that we were looking at his little bottom instead of his head. And it was VERY apparent that HE was a HE!!!!! We were very excited! That's definitely all he was giving away though! The poor tech couldn't get ANY of the measurements that she neededin 3 weeks to , and she cou;dn't see any of the parts that she needed to look at. She had me go to the restroom to hopefully move him around a little bit. So I went, while i was in there I jumped up and down, I shook my belly, I lectured him, I turned in cirles, anything I could think of to make him move from where he was. When we started the ultrasound again he was still in a ball!!! Only differnece now was taht he was standing on his head. (Oh boy child what am I going to do with you!) So we decided that I would just come back in 3 weeks to have another ultrasound. so hello ultrasound number 5!!! Holy cow! I don't think that any healthy pregnancys have EVER had this many ultrasounds! Ya I am definitely being spoiled! So i guess maybe he was rolled up to do mommy a favor so I could see him one more time before he is born.

Fisher Price Recall.....

Ok so I just heard on the news about the huge Fisher Price Recall and all i can say is....... GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!! Now don't get me wrong I agree with some of the recalls, such as choking hazards on some of the toys. yes those should be recalled.... But honestly even then I think parents just need to not be lazy and watch their children. But yes it obviously isn't good to have small parts on toys that little ones will stick in their mouths.
But as for their bull crap with things like a key on a little fisher price bike that doesn't even come off but does stick out a little bit they say, "Your children could fall onto it and hurt themselves." Like I said before... GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!! If a child falls onto anything there is a possibility they could hurt themselves! If a child falls on the lawn outside their is a good chance they are coming in crying and with a boo-boo. What do we do?? Recall the grass???They say the same thing about their highchairs also that they could fall and hurt themselves on certain parts of them. Unbelievable!!!!!!! Is society really this paranoid????? I don't honestly think so! Because if society were this paranoid then parents would probably just do a better job watching their own children and wouldn't have to worry about stupid things like this. But no, parents don't watch and their child slips and falls (because they are little and thats what they do!) hurts themselves and the parents need somebody to blame! Even if you are watching your child like a hawk they are going to get hurt! Thats just how it works! I am really getting sick and tired of all the recalls on everything!
Yes, of course I want peanut to be safe and want to not worry about the toys, furniture, clothes etc that I expose peanut to. But really it comes down to just being a parent! Tom and I will always try to do our best to monitor what peanut has around him/her. We will try to keep peanut safe. Of course we know that peanut will get hurt every now and then. But when those things happen it isn't because they fell on a toy and it was the toys fault! it is because peanut is little and learning and things happen to kids. It's just part of growing up!
Now I am sure there are many who completely disagree with me and think I will be an awful parent for rolling my eyes to all of these toy recalls. And also to all the crib recalls ( I think most of those are bullcrap to but thats another story.) But to each their own I guess. Now when they say that my childs toys are going to explode I will listen. But til then, I roll my eyes to you silly recalls!

Pesto!! :-)

This is my Dear Friend Pesto and this is our Story.....

After our break in incident I was extremely freaked out! I asked Tom for a Blessing of Comfort and I did my fair share of praying on my own. The next day when Tom left for work he noticed that there was a bird standing on the steps right outside our apartment door. We didn't think to much of it. The next day he was still there. He had stayed all night and continued on the next day. I instantly felt that this bird was an answer to my prayers. As silly as that may sound but I feel like this cute bird was sent to us to protect our apartment and to give me peace of mind. I INSTANTLY fell in love with this cute bird! We kept seeing the bird every day and every night for a couple more days, and I decided he definitely needed a name. My hero and protector needed a proper name! So we decided to name him Pesto from Animaniacs. Remember the "Good Feathers" on animaniacs? Well Pesto was the tough purple pigeon so we thought that name was very fitting! :-)

It has now been about 3 weeks since Pesto first arrived. He lives on the stairs by our apt. door and sometimes even right outside our door tucked away in the corner. He sticks around from about 6:00 pm to 2:00 pm every night and day. For those few hours he isn't right by our door he is playing in the canal.

He is such a tame bird! It is unbelievable! After he had stuck around for a few days Tom just wanted to see how close he could get to Pesto before he got freaked out. He reached his hand out fully expecting Pesto to get scared....... he never did! Tom actually touched Pesto and he was totally cool with it! What the???!!!!! Not that we want to touch stray birds, but it was pretty cool! (don't worry I made him wash his hands promptly after.) And if that isn't proof enough that he is the coolest bird EVER my little 4 year old neice went in to pet Pesto and he stayed there even for a loud 4 year old! lol! :-)

Pesto is pretty much part of the family now! We say goodnight to him every night and goodmorning to him every morning! :-) The past few nights we have even put out some popcorn kernels for him and a little cup of water and he is loving it! (and no that is NOT why he is sticking around. He stuck around for 3 weeks before we decided to start giving him a midnight snack.) Every night after we tell Pesto Goodnight I lay on the couch and say, "Tom, do you think Pesto is ok? DO you think he is cold? will he have a goodnight? Is he lonely?" And every night Tom say. " What do you want me to do about it Heather? invite him in? Let him sleep in our bed?" hahahaha! Obviously Pesto holds a very special place in my heart! he is my protector! and as I type this right now Pesto is right outside our door keeping watch! Goodnight Pesto! :-)

A Break In!!!

This happened a few weeks ago and I just now realized I never blogged the story! How dare I! haha! So here it is.....
A few short weeks ago Tom left for work at about 10:30 and me being the exhausted pregnant wife I am I was staying in bed for as long as i could until I had to roll out of bed and go to work. or so i thought.... A few minutes after Tom left there was obnoxiously loud knocking at my door and the doorbell kept ringing. At the time I thought that the only person it could possibly be is my dear friend Chase. Even with that knowledge I had no intentions of answering the door! I was tired, had a headache, was in my garments, and had morning hair and breathe. But I thought I would just go to the peep hole and see who it was for sure. ....... it was not Chase!!! There were 2 Black men dressed all in Black knocking at our door. They kind of freaked me out but really at the time I just thought that maybe they just had the wrong apt. THey had a backpack with them so I thought that maybe they were students picking a friend up or something. Because a week prior we had a stranger come to our door while Tom was home and he was asking for a person that we did not know. So I was thinking it was just a simple mistake. but for all the reasons I listed above there was no way I was going to answer the door! So I went back to my bedroom in the very back of our apartment and planned to just wait out the knocking and ringing of the doorbell then go back to bed. After about 5 minutes they Finally stopped knocking! But then I heard a glass from my kitchen fall. (once again i wasn't to oncerned. I figured that by how hard they were knocking on the door that a dirty glass stacked in the sink had just fallen over. Not a big deal right?) Well right after that I started hearing some rustling out in the kitchen. I started to get nervous! But it would not have been the first time my imagination had gotten the better of me and I thought I was hearing things in our apartment. So I hid under my blanket being scared of what I was hearing but kept my eyes out of the blanket and looked toward my bedroom door. All of a sudden I see a Black gloved hand start coming around the corner into my bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER!!!!!!!!!!! That luckily spooked this creep so he took off down the hall. And after the initial scare and I saw him run away I got more pissed off than I have ever been in my entire life!!!!!!! I jumped out of bed! Grabbed my robe! And while putting it on I ran out my front door and around the corner where I saw him standing with a cell phone in his hand! I went balistic!!!!! I started chasing after him yelling things like "I DIDN'T ANSWER THE DOOR BECAUSE I DON;T KNOW WHO THE HECK YOU ARE!!!!!!! YOU BETTER NEVER EVER COME BACK HERE AGAIN YOU LOW LIFE!!!! GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!!!!!" etc. ANd I had a few explitives thrown in the mix as well! (now as a side note yes I am aware that chasing after him and cussing him otu was not the smartest thing I have ever done! But in my defense at this point my innocent self was still thinking that they were just looking for somebody and broke in to find her. stupid I know!!! I get smarter later!) So after he got far away from my barefooted and robed self I walked back to my apartment still fuming mad. When I walked into the apartment and looked in the kitchen I saw that our big kitchen window was WIDE open! The blinds were even up all the way! That is when it finally hit me that somebody had really broken into my apartment while I was home alone. I completely broke down!!!!!!!!! Started hyperventilating, shaking, crying etc. I ran back into my room and called Tom! (yes I know calling the police would have been the better option but I NEEDED MY HUSBAND!!!!!!! And I was still kinda thinking that they weren't trying to rob me but they were more innocent than that.) Luckily Tom answered and through many tears, and screams, and panicking I finally got the message through to Tom that something was very very wrong and he drove stright home while I stayed on teh phone with him. I was terrified to be alone at this point. There was no way I was hanging up with him! So when Tom got home he held me while I FREAKED OUT!!!!!!! Then when I could speak again I finally did call the cops. They came right away with 3 cops and 2 detectives stomping through the apartment, and the complex, and taking pictures and looking at the window and the damage to the stuff in my kitchen. The cops also told me that from now on I need to make my presence known just go to the door with it still closed and say who is it??? Then they most likely will make up a name of who they are looking for then leave. So i told him about the guy a week prior to that who kinda did that and they were convinced that we had been targeted since that guy talked to Tom a week before. Thats when it finally sunk in that I was almost robbed!!!!!It was such a traumatizing experience! I was so so shaken up for the rest of the day! I was getting ready to call in to work when they called me telling me that I had a new person to train. What are the odds. So my very frazzled self had to go to work and not only just go to work but train my new employee and try hard to look like a boss. Being home alone is SO hard for me now! It took a while til I could do it. Now I can but I am very jumpy and do not like it at all. And being in my bedroom is very hard as well! That is where I saw the man! HE CAME INTO MY ROOM!!!!!!! I am a wreck in my room which is no fun at all!!! I have cried many tears in my bed being so scared it was going to happen again and what happens when my scream doesnt stop him from coming into my room next time????? Most of the time I am doing pretty good with my anxiety over this because I do not want to be ruled my my anxiety. But sometimes I have an extremely hard time! This experience has really changed me! Luckily I have such a sweet husband that will wake up in teh middle of the night with me to go look around and make sure all is well and hold me til I calm down and can get some sleep.

Boy or Girl? That is the question!

I am getting more and more impatient by the day to find out if we are going to have a little girl or a little boy. I am starting to get nervous! Finally the big ultrasound date has been set! We will find out on Oct. 4th, I am SO excited! I made Tom promise me that we could at least go window shopping once we find out what we are having! I have been very good and have stayed away from the stores but that is going to change VERY quickly!
As I am sure the whole world knows by now I desperately want a little girl!!! I want to do her hair and buy adorable pink clothes, and put her in dance and all the other fun that goes along with little girls! But basically EVERYBODY is thinking I WILL be having a boy. What would I do with a boy!!!???? I have no idea! About 95% of ALL the problems I have at work are with my boys! They are ALWAYS in trouble, and I am ALWAYS meeting with their parents, and dealing with huge issues with them. Now of course it is not ALL of my boys. SOme of them are complete sweethearts and I love them to death. And when I look at their parents you can really tell why all my problem children are the way they are! (Their parents are my problem parents as well!) So I guess it really just does depend on the parents. Anyway sorry I am really going off on a tangent now.
I definitely do have my heart set on having a little girl! There is no denying that at all. SO my biggest thing I am worried about right now is how will I react if I find out in a few weeks that I am having a boy? Will I be disappointed? I sure hope not! When it comes right down to it I just want a healthy and happy baby. I just hope that I can be just as happy with a little boy as I think I would be with a little girl. I know in teh end I would be I just hope I don't walk out of our appt feeling disappointed. I want this baby to feel loved and wanted at all times! (Which peanut is loved no matter what!) So anyway the question is will we have a boy or a girl???????????????? I am still thinking pink :-)

FEELING HUMAN!!!

All the things I can do now that I couldn't do for the past 14 weeks! :-)

~Decide on something to eat in less than 2 hours. (Tom is grateful for this one)
~Not only be in my kitchen again, but can actually cook a meal!
~Stand up for longer than 5 minutes at a time (very useful for work!)
~Use the restroom like a normal person! (Sorry TMI hehe)
~Go longer than 15 minutes between potty trips
~Go an entire day without having to take a 2 hour nap
~See my tummy growing! (probably just looks fatter to the world but I can tell a difference)
~Leave the house
~Not be a nervous wreck that something is wrong with my baby
~keep my emotions in check
~Sleep lying down (though I am sure that one wont last for long so I will enjoy it while I can)
~Feel like a human again!!! ;-)

Hooray!!! i like this second trimester thing! I definitely is workinga lot better for me! And I will just enjoy it for as long as it lasts!! 14 weeks down, 26 to go! Hooray!!!!!!!!

Need. To. Vent. (Long boring venting session SORRY)

Well like I said i really need to vent! But before I start whining and complaining I must first start off by saying that I am aware that I do have many blessings in my life that I should be counting instead of complaining........ but i'm human people and every once in a while a girl has got to vent right??? hahaha

Tom and I are stuck in a very very tight money situation right now that I don't see any true end in sight really!! It definitely did not help that since I work at an elementary school I had about a month off from working. .... We thought we would survive it just fine! But NO!!!!!!! I am SO sick of money issues!!! The thing that really is hard on me right now is because I am pregnant! It is hard to make the decision between food and gas when I know I need to keep feeding this baby and I need to be taking my pre natals etc. But whats more important? Food and pills? Or gas so TOm and I can work to hopefully turn our situation around, and paying our bills?? If it were just for my benefit it would be easy but I am effecting another little innocent persons life right now to and I cant be a good mommy to this little peanut right now! I am starting to feel like a bad mommy already because I cannot provide for my baby the way I would like to! And even if and when we do get caught up a little again is it really enough?? no it's not at all!! i want TOm to go back to school and get a career not a job anymore. But its hard to go back to school when you still owe for past semesters that you cant pay for right??? So really I just feel like we are trapped in this neverending cycle and it is very frustrating! And I am now freaking out because we now know for sure that we cannot under any circumstances afford me taking lots of time off to have this baby!!! SO now we are looking for a second job for Tom, or I will have to go back after just a few short weeks of having my precious baby! I know everybody has money problems and many are much worse off than we are. So sorry for the complaining. I am just completely freaking out!!! And just feel like we are losing, and really just feel like a bad mother!! (and my child isnt even here yet!!!)

One thing that is helping me right now though is the lesson we had in Sunday school today about the story of Job and how we all have problems but we just need to turn ourselves to God and all will be ok. I am trying to internalize that and do that, but it's hard!!! What does one do when your pay check is barely enough to cover rent but absolutely nothing else for teh next two weeks? do you pay your tithing on that?? I know the right answer is yes, but I don't know how to be quite that faithful I don't think. It is really hard!!! i dont like feeling stuck. I kinda feel like we are damned if we do and damned if we dont.

Anyway sorry again for the venting session!!! Once again I am aware that there are so many more people out there that are so much worse off than we are and really I have no reason to complain ever! This is just a good place for me to get these thoughts and feelings out sometimes. Sorry to always get so personal with my posts! haha! I'm not a very good blogger! :) Also I am absolutely not looking for sympathy or anything along those lines ever!!! Tom and I love eachother and we will always find a way to get through our trials together!this is just a good place for me to get my thoughts and feelings out so I can understand how I am feeling really. I make more sense to myself after it is typed out. Sorry to subject you all to the inner workings of my brain as well! haha

I know things will get better someday, that day is just not coming as quickly as I would like. but it is not going to happen on my timeline ever. I just wish i didnt have to constantly be stressed to the max over money!! As I am sure many of you feel the very same way at times!!! DOWN WITH MONEY!!!!!!!! hahaha

11 week ultrasound :-)

We went in for our first Drs. Appt. yesterday and it was great!! My doctor is super nice and I liked her a lot! But even more important, we got an ultrasound of our little peanut!!!!!! We had an ultrasound done at 6 weeks which was cool because we could see the heartbeat! but it didn't look anything like a baby at all! So to see the baby just 5 weeks later and see all the parts of our baby it was amazing!!! Right as our dr. started the ultrasound we saw the baby waving to us. It looked like the baby was saying, "Hi Mom and Dad! I'm ok so stop worrying!" I instantly felt better! I was terrified of going in for this appt! I was so worried that something was wrong but just with that little wave I knew everything was fine and I couldn't be happier!!!

10 Weeks! And so blessed to have Tom! :-)

I have made it to 10 weeks! A quarter of the way through! I feel so so blessed to have this little miracle living inside of me! Even though I am almost constantly sick, and constantly searching for the one food I can eat that day that will be ok on my tummy, and even though I am always in search of the nearest restroom, I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life! I cannot say it enough, I feel so so so blessed to have this happen to Tom and I!

Tom has been so incredible throughout this whole experience so far! I don't think he has any clue how much I appreciate him, and how amazing he is as a husband! He has done everythinng in has power to help me be comfortable, and feel the very best I possibly can each and every day. He has learned how to cook a lot more since my stomache wont let me right now. He never complains, he is always looking out for me and the baby, and understands thst I cant do everything I used to be able to do,a nd he is okay with that. He is learning all he can now about pregnancy and babies, you can tell he is trying to be the best daddy he can be. And I know he will be absolutely amazing!!! Just seeing him with his neices and nephews you can tell he will be an amazing daddy! I love watching him hold and take care of his little baby nephew and seeing how much love he has for those little ones. He will be an incredible father, I have no doubt in my mind. And I cannot wait to watch him turn into a father!! He is amazing, and I am so so grateful everyday to have him in my life.

I am so excited that everything in the pregnancy has been going so well so far. And I am hoping that the next 30 weeks go just as well. I have my first official Drs. Appointment next Friday and i am so excited to hear the heartbeat again, and so excited to hear how everything is going!!!! I am so blessed thst I got a "Cheater" Ultrasound at 6 weeks. It has made me feel so much better to know that the baby is healthy so much sooner than most people get to find out. It has made everything so much easier. Bring on the sickness and the fatigue and everything else. it doesn't matter!!!!! I have a loving husband, and a healthy baby growing inside of me. Life is good!!!!!! :-)

WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well it's all basically in the title. WE ARE PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After months and months of heartache, not knowing, and worrying we are finally pregnant and could not be happier!!!!! So far everything is looking really good and we are for sure counting our many many blessings everyday! Since we ran into so many problems to get pregnant they are keeping me at the reproductive care center for a while longer so they can monitor me closely. Which I am so so so grateful for! We have already been in twice and next Thursday we get to have an ultra sound. I will only be a little over 6 weeks pregnant and they say they will already be able to hear a heartbeat. I am SO SO SO SO SO excited!!!!! Now looking back I am so so grateful for everything we went through to get to this point. It has made me appreciate everything so much more, and is getting me the best care possible. I still just cannot believe that I am pregnant! It is so weird to me that there is a little human growing inside of me. What a wonderful feeling it is.
Now for all my dear friends that are still going through the heartache and not knowing my heart goes out to you! We all get our time! I am so grateful that it is my turn! And I know it will be your turn as well someday. Love you all!!!!!!!
So far everything is looking fantastic! Hopefully things will continue to go so well for us and for the precious baby that is growing inside of me. We are so so happy!!!!!!!!! Good things come to those who wait! :-)

The waiting game

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I feel like all I ever do lately is wait. I'm always in a 'hurry up and wait' kind of situation. And it is getting very old!!!!! I know I just need to be patients and stay close to my Heavenly Father and everything will happen when it is supposed to. But that really is easier said than done. I have never been patient with anything!!!!!! So when it comes to something very important and so life changing I really am losing all patience really fast!!!!! I want it to be our turn now! I am have been very supportive of others and helped them when it was their turn. And I think it should be my turn!!!!! No more waiting, no more having no control over what happens, I just want life to start giving me what I want a little bit. i feel like I am always giving, and taking care of others, and doing everything I can to please others and make others lives happier and better. And I am happy to do it I really am. But I want to be selfish right now and have what I want!!! It hurts deep being around those that have what I want right now. I can'[t handle being around pregnant women anymore. It hurts to much! I can't hear about anymore stories of parents neglecting their children when all I want is a baby! I can't handle going to work everyday and having to keep track of the wellbeing of all my cute students and calling DCFS on their parents on a regular basis. I cant stand seeing those kids be taken away from thier undeserving parents!!! Why can these awful people have so easily what I am working so so so hard to have??? It isn't fair!!!!! What is so wrong with me that I don't get this blessing yet??

Anyway, sorry it has just been a very trying past few weeks!!! And I don;t want to wait anymore!!!! I am READY!!!!! And I shouldnt be being so selfish and wanting this so bad when I have so many friends who are dealing with such harder situations right now. My heart goes out to them just so hard! I cannot imagine what they are going through. I think it is all of our turns. We deserve this!!!!!!!

PETER PAN!!!!!

Tom and I are both in West Valley's production of Peter Pan playing this month!!! We are pirates! It has been so so so much fun to do a show with Tom! We are both just having a blast! Peter Pan is playing June 23rd-29th (no sunday performance) at 8:00 pm at the Utah Cultural Celebration Center (3100 S. and just East of Redwood Road) Tickets are $5.00 a person or $20.00 for a family. Groups of 10 or more can get in for $4.00 a person. Tom and I both have tickets now, or youc an buy them at the door. There are seats and also there is lawn seating. Hope to see you there! It is sure to be a very very fun show! our Hook and Smee are AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A small victory

Well I survived my Clomid week from you know where. . . . BARELY!!!!! It was quite a bit more miserable than I was expecting it to be. I was sure I could control my emotions. NOPE!! Sure couldn't!!! And besides that I ws in lots of pain and was very sick and dizzy. It was a very good thing I didnt have to work for most of the five days though. What a blessing. Not only for me but for everybody else around me... except for Tom. He had to put up with me the whole time

But anyway I survived!!! :-) HOORAY!!! SO this week I have been taking ovulation tests again. not expecting any good results.. But I got a positive test today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO SO SO SO SO excited!!! Clomid really does work for me! Great news! So maybe this month it will be our turn. We will see what happens I guess. At first I was jusst so overly excited, but then I started thinking about it lots and started to feel the realness of the situation, and felt that it really is coming soon. (Hopefully) SO now the anxiety and worry and doubt has started to come in. If we do get pregnant will I be able to carry it full term? Will we have a healthy child? Will I be a good Mommy?? I don't know what will happen, or if really anything will happen at all. SO for now I am just trying to not get my hopes up and just be happy that the clomid got my body working properly. That is my small victory that I am very very excited about. And again very nervous and filled with doubt about my abilities. I guess we will just see what happens and pray for the best. :)

Fertility Update

Well it sounds like this blog will be mainly dedicated to our fertility struggles until we move on from them. Cuz let's face it, this is about all that's going on with us right now. It has a way of taking over your entire life, there is not much else to think about or worry about while it is going on. So here are our updates. (sorry or the details :-) ) Since our last post I have been hard at work trying to get my stupid body to cooperate with me. Who ever thought that I would be desperate to have a period??? I never thought the day would come, but it came! I have been on awful drugs to try to get me to bleed so I can then take clomid and hopefully get pregnant. Well these pills made my life absolutely miserable for a couple weeks, with no results that I was looking for. But finally we had some success. Our first success sine the start of this all really. I hate that a success for us is hooray I am bleeding, and have cramps! ...... but thats where we are in our lives I guess. OH BOY! SO now I am starting to finally get pretty excited! I get to start taking my clomid on wednesday and hope that it works for us!!!! I am so so excited, and yet definitely trying to get myself prepared for disappointment as well. Even though I think I am ready for another negative pregnancy test, you just never are. Each one hurts more and more. So for now I will just try to stay positive and hope it works the first time!!!!!!! What I am definitely not looking forward to though is taking the stupid drug. From what I have heard Clomid really messes with you emotionally, physically, etc. I may turn crazy while taking them. I am a bit nervous for that but if it works then it is totally worth it. I havent exactly been very fun to be around lately anyway so why not be able to blame it on a pill right??? lol. Like what my doctor said when he perscribed it...... We only put you on it for 5 days a month for 3 months max so you and your spouse remember why you want to have a child together still. :-) Its going to be rough but I am ready for it, and have already apologized to family and friends in advance for what I may become.

I went out to lunch with an amazing friend this past week who is also going through fertility treatments. Her case is much more severe than mine but we definitely are feeling the same way about things. And she said something to the effect of .... I hate that our first child is basically a science experiment.. . . . Take this drug. Have sex on this day. Have blood drawn this day. Do this like this and that like that. . . . And it is so true. I wish so hard that Tom and I could just get pregnant like we should be able to. THere are far to many drugs, and tests involved that make it so emotionally and physically draining on you and your spouse. I no longer feel like myself! I am whoever all these drugs want me to be. And it is very hard on me. SO I am definitely hoping that we are nearing the end of this so I can be me again!!! I like me!!! I want me back!!!

So anyway, I will keep the next few days updated on here. We will see what happens. I am so excited that we are finally doing something, moving forward, instead of just waiting to act. Maybe this month will be the one for us!!!!! I am so so so so so ready to be a mommy!!! :-)

The Fertility Battle (Month 4) and what I have learned

Tom and I have been seeking infertility specialists help for the past four months or so. It has definitely been a very trying experience for us! I never in a million years thought I would be in a situation like this. but life is full of surprises!!

At first we were absolutely devastated by our situation! I have felt like a broken woman, that is worth nothing. I have felt like a disappointment to Tom, and just a complete failure in general. There were lots of tears, and lots of 'why me's.' We are still right in the middle of it all, and it is still hard. But I have learned a lot from this experience so far, and I wanted to share those things with you today.

~I have learned how unconditional Tom's love for me really is. Like I said I have felt broken, but Tom has stood by my side and told me over and over again that no matter what happens he will love me forever. It is amazing to me how much that incredible man loves ME. Me of all people. i think that through this experience Tom and I have grown closer to eachother in ways I don't think would have happened otherwise. SO for that I am grateful!
~I have learned to just get down on my knee's and pray when I dont think I have the strength to go on. Even if i think nobody underdtands what i am going through there is always at least one person that completely understands,and is rooting for me every step of the way. I am grateful that I have been able to take this challenge and allow myself to grow closer to my Father in Heaven because of it. Instead of turning my back on Him because of my situation.
~I have learned that if you look hard enough you can find many people that are close to you that are going through the same things as you, and it is so important to cling to those people for strength and just for a listening ear. I am so grsteful for the people around me that have shared their privste stories with me, and who have listened to me. I feel for you all. i wish that you weren't going through this obviously. But at least we can draw strength from one another. I am so grsteful for those people who will just listen. it is amazing how much a listening ear can help heal a broken heart! I am also grateful that I now can have empathy for people who need my strength when they cant be strong. and vics versa.
~Also I have learned that I am very grateful for Health insurance. Most insurance companies wont pay a penny toward infertility treatment! And I think that is absolutely ridiculous!!!! think about it..... if you are a greedy insurance company, wouldnt you want more humans on the earth so you can make more money on each family??? Come on insurance companies! You will make more money in the long run on my family if it is a family of 6 than the family of 2 it is now! Tom and i luckily have one of the only companies that does help cover fertility stuff. But what about all thsoe other couples out there who can't afford it??? It breaks my heart to know that there are so many people out there that could get pregnant with the help of a doctor but cant afford it because insurance companies are stupid!!! (sorry for my rant)

Well anyway tom and I have had just about every test we could have done, and hopefully have a plan in place now that will work for us in a few short months. I just wanted to write this to reflect on all the good that has come out of this experience for me. dont; get me wrong I wish i could get pregnant easily like most of you out there, but if i cant then I am glad I can still benefit from it in some way.

Giving in to 'the blog'

Ok, i give in! Everybody is blogging, and I finally feel left out. I don't have very interesting or insightful things to say, but I guess nobody has to read it :-) In this blog I hope to keep people updated on Tom and I. (We have very exciting lives so this is sure to be very entertaining!!! NOT hahha) So really this post is just to say, here I am world. I have finally given in. you win!